


sweet life made from bitter parts

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Established Relationship, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Child of Dan Howell and Phil Lester, Parent Phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 23:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: One night changes everything.When their son becomes ill, Dan and Phil have to face a terrifying new reality.Everything can change at any moment, suddenly and forever.Paul Auster





	sweet life made from bitter parts

_**Grief comes in two parts** _

  
The baby had been sick.  
  
Not sick in a way that they could dose with medication, but sick in a way that slowly crept into their awareness. It was there in the increasingly soggy nappies that resulted in bedding changes at 2:00 am. It was there in the increasingly desperate thirst that had him drinking cup after sippy cup of water. It was there in the way their active little boy became tired and sluggish, his once baby-sweet breath now fruity and acidic.  
  
By the time they called 999, he had been lethargic and vomiting; a sad, limp little bundle they couldn't rouse. The ride to the A &E seemed endless, the wail of the siren adding a sense of urgency to the half words being muttered by the professionals hovering over the tiny body and all they could do was cling to each other in fear, eyes glued to the tired little face on the stretcher. Phil reached out his arm, wanting nothing more than to feel that chubby hand wrap around his fingers but his arm was batted away, making space for the paramedic to work.  
  
“We've called ahead, and a team will be waiting for us.”  
  
Phil's breath left his lungs in a rush and Dan's face crumpled at the word 'team'.  
  
**

  
The A&E was chaotic, the hard plastic chairs filled with the sick and injured. Neither Dan nor Phil saw or heard any of it. All of their attention was focused on that stretcher, rolling their son away from them and toward the group of scrub-clad people waiting for him. A short, young nurse turned to them and said, “If one of you could fill out the paperwork, please? You can join us when you're finished. The other father can come with us now.” And then he was turning away, ready to move on.  
  
Dan looked at Phil with big, wounded eyes and Phil knew what he was asking without a word being spoken. “Go on,” he said. “ I'll be back there as soon as I'm done.” And then they were gone, whisked away through the door and into the Triage area, leaving Phil standing there numb and alone.  
  
Triage was noisy and bright and the constant rush of activity made Dan edgy and anxious. He wanted Phil, wanted him back here with him and Liam. Wanted his calming presence to draw from, lending him the strength Dan so desperately needed right now. He held Liam's hand in his, his hand so small in his wide palm and Dan almost couldn't breathe for the fear gripping him. He stroked that dear face with his other hand in soothing, gentle strokes while listening to the physician speaking to the nurse.  
  
_“I want labs: CBC, serum electrolyte panel, plasma glucose level. Get paediatric phlebotomy down here. We need a line running here STAT, the child is dehydrated and lethargic with vomiting. DKA suspected based on symptoms and readings, likely new diagnosis. Have a room ready and bring in a glucometer and Ketostix. I'll talk to the father.”_  
  
The words came out rapid fire and tumbled around in Dan's head, never landing long enough for him to pull the meaning from them. He fixed his frightened eyes on the doctor when he came through the curtain, desperate for answers. He's tall and thin with a serious demeanor, but his eyes are kind and filled with compassion.  
  
“Mr. Howell? I'm Dr. Degnan. I'm going to ask you a few questions while I check over your son, is that alright?”  
  
He didn't wait for Dan's response, moving instead to the bedside to lean over the toddler. His voice was soft and gentle when he said, “Hey little guy. Oh, we're not feeling well at all, are we sweetheart? Well don’t you worry, we'll take care of you. Dad, tell me, when did you notice that Liam was acting differently?”  
  
His hands moved over Liam with a steady confidence, his manner soothing and calm. He looked into his eyes and then his mouth, clucking his tongue at whatever he saw there.  
  
Dan answered his questions as best he could, growing nervous again when a different nurse came in bearing a cart containing the items needed to start intravenous fluids. “Uh, um…about 2 weeks ago he started drinking more and wetting through his nappies. We thought maybe we needed to go up a size.”  
  
He was watching the nurse as she pulled out tubing and tape and needles and suddenly he felt a wave of panic rush through him at the thought of Liam's tiny arm being jabbed and poked and prodded.  
  
“Mr. Howell?”  
  
Dan dragged his eyes away from the cart and looked into the kind eyes of the doctor in front of him.  
  
“It's going to be okay. But I need you to focus here for a minute, alright?”  
  
Dan nodded, taking a deep breath. “Right. So he was wetting through his nappies and constantly crying for something to drink. We made an appointment for his paediatrician but then today-" His voice choked off at the memory of trying to wake Liam from his nap; seeing his baby's head rolling listlessly on that fragile neck when Dan gave him a terrified jostle.  
  
“Today Dan went to get him from his nap but he wouldn’t come fully awake," Phil answered for him, stepping up beside Dan to place his hand over his, still holding onto Liam.  
  
“Has there been any vomiting?”  
  
Phil placed his hand on his son's head, slender fingers stroking over the wisps of brown, baby-fine hair as he nodded. “Yes, this morning. And he smelled odd, almost like fermented fruit"  
  
Dr. Degnan nodded his head at that, stepping back to wave the nurse forward. “Mr. Howell, Mr. Lester…your son is being admitted to the PICU. That’s the paediatric intensive-care unit. Based on his symptoms and preliminary test results from the ambulance, we strongly suspect that your son has developed diabetes."  
  
They froze...and their lives were forever divided into before and after.  
  
**

  
_**The**_ _ **first is loss...** _

  
The PICU is quiet after the storm of triage.  
  
The IV insertion had been difficult, Liam's tiny body so dehydrated that it took the nurse three tries before she was able to get the line in. Phil had helped hold him down; those big hands so gentle on Liam's body as he rubbed his nose along the screaming child's cheek while Dan stood back with trembling hands covering his mouth, tears rolling down his face. He watched Phil, so calm and stoic, and for a moment was filled with a fiery rage, his lack of emotion making Dan feel useless and hysterical. But then Phil looked up at Dan from across the room and oh god, his face was filled with a helpless grief. His lips were bloodless as he pressed them tightly together and his eyes shimmered with unshed tears as he pinned the tiny, flailing arms of their son down. After it was over and Liam was finally calmed, Phil slipped into the restroom where Dan heard him sobbing over the sound of the running taps and when he came out with a pale face and tear-swollen eyes, Dan was there to pull him close.  
  
They were waiting now for the doctor to come back with results and numbers and whatever other things he needs. The midnight nurse came into the room every 15 minutes to check the IV lines and take down all the numbers that flash on the multiple monitors. Meanwhile, Liam slept through it all, enclosed in his little baby cage with his arms strapped down to padded boards to prevent him from ripping out the tubing that’s providing him the hydrating solutions he so desperately needs. Dan's asleep on Phil's shoulder when the doctor comes back in to speak to them, his face tucked awkwardly into Phil's neck. He gives a small shrug to wake him and watched as Dan's eyes snapped open immediately, fear beating back exhaustion.  
  
“Mr. Howell, Mr. Lester, how are you both holding up? I know it’s been a long, difficult evening for you, and the next couple of days aren’t going to be much easier. Can I get you a coffee or tea? Water?”  
  
Dan straightened in his chair as he reached down to clasp Phil's hand in his. “Nothing for me, thank you. Phil?” Phil shook his head no, anxious blue eyes trained on the doctors face.  
  
“Very well, let's talk about Liam” Dr. Degnan pulled out a small tablet and began pulling up his medical records.“ As we suspected, Liam has diabetes. He's a pretty sick little guy right now, but soon he will start turning around.” He scrolls through the info on the screen as he continues, “His blood sugar or glucose levels in Triage were 845. Glucose levels for people without diabetes are anywhere from 70-110, so you can imagine how poorly he must have been feeling.”  
  
“I-is that why he wouldn't wake up?” Dan asked. His voice was quiet and small, still haunted by the memory of his son laying limp beneath his hands.  
  
“Yes, in part. Are either of you familiar with diabetes?” He watched as they shook their heads, then continued. “That's all right, we have plenty of time to go over everything you'll need to know before we send you all home.”  
  
Phil's gaze is locked on the doctor's face, scrutinizing every expression that crossed it. “Do you know when that might be?”  
  
“That depends, Mr. Lester.”  
  
“On?”  
  
Dr. Degnan looked between them and said, “On you and Mr. Howell. Liam will be feeling much better and will be stable in a few days. But there are many things you'll both need to learn. How to do blood sugar checks, how to pad his nappies to catch urine for ketone testing, how to correctly give injections-”  
  
“Injections? You mean needles?!” Phil's voice is tight with anxiety as he turns to look at Dan with wild, frightened eyes. “No. D-Dan I _can't!_ Needles? Dan, it will hurt him, how can I-? His voice chokes off as he looks at him, silently begging Dan to fix this, to make this all go away.  
  
Dan could only stare back at him in helpless silence. There's panic on Phil's face now, a type of fear Dan has never seen there before as Phil's hand trembles in his grip. It's more than his usual slight tremor and it breaks something in Dan that he can't provide the comfort Phil so desperately needs from him. “Phil...” he murmurs, squeezing his hand.  
  
“Mr. Lester. May I call you Phil?” Dr. Degnan waits for Phil's nod before continuing, “Phil, I know this is scary and overwhelming and a million other things. But I promise you we'll take things slow and that you will be able to do this. Liam needs you now, and he needs you to be strong for him.”  
  
Dan can tell it was the right thing to say by the way Phil's shoulders relaxed a bit, some of the tension draining out of them. Phil has always thrived on being needed, on providing bits of comfort and care to those he loves, always protective to the core. Appealing to his very nature snaps him out of his anxiety spiral.  
  
“You're right. I'm sorry.” Phil said on an exhale, his free hand coming up to rub at his eyes.“I'm sorry.”  
  
The doctor gave him a gentle smile before shaking his head. “You don't need to apologize, Phil. Now let me just explain a few more things for tonight, then you both should get some rest. Liam is in a state called DKA or diabetic ketoacidosis. To keep it brief, his pancreas isn't making insulin anymore, causing his body to burn fat stores for energy. That produces ketones as a byproduct and the build-up of ketones made his blood acidic. This is a life-threatening condition but it's one that we're currently reversing with the IV solutions and insulin. It may take a few days for the ketones to completely clear his body but he should be moved into the regular paediatric room tomorrow.”  
  
Dr. Degnan rose to his feet and briefly clasped Phil's shoulder. “For now, I suggest you both go home and get some sleep. Starting tomorrow you'll both be busy learning how to take care of your little man. Life will be a little different from now on.”

**

_**The second is the remaking of life** _

It was nearly impossible to leave Liam there in the hospital alone but overnight visitors weren't allowed in the PICU so they reluctantly left their little boy under the watchful eyes of the medical staff. They'd held hands on the way home, needing the physical contact to try to remain calm, but Phil had barely closed the door to their flat when Dan burst into noisy tears that edged toward hysterical. They cried together for a time, Dan curled up in Phil's lap on the sofa, wrapped together in their grief until eventually, the tears dried.

  
“We need to call our parents,” Dan said, his voice nasal and hoarse. His eyes were red and puffy, and his nose a bit runny as he wiped his sleeve over his face. Phil couldn't help but lean in to press a kiss to his forehead. He's always hated to see Dan upset and even his own fears can't dampen his instinct to soothe.

  
Phil gently pushed him over onto the sofa before rising to his feet, saying “Why don't you call your mum? I'll make tea.” He ran his fingers through Dan's hair then down the back of his neck to give it a gentle squeeze, hoping to relieve a bit of tension there before heading to the kitchen. He fussed with the tea for a while, wanting to give Dan a bit of privacy, and waited until Dan wandered into the kitchen looking for him. He looked drained, face pale and lined with fatigue.

  
“How is she?” Phil asked, handing Dan the steaming mug of fresh tea. He'd already drunk his while he spoke to his own mum, listening to her cry on the line before she pulled herself together as she promised that she'd be down to London tomorrow. He tried telling her that it was okay, that they would be fine, but she'd cut him off mid-sentence.

  
_“I'll be damned if I'm not going to be there for my boys. All three of you,” she admonished, her voice sharp in his ear._

  
Dan blew on his tea before sipping, letting out a soft hum of appreciation as it soothed his scratchy throat. He took another sip then looked at Phil, eyes heavy. “She cried...a lot. It was pretty horrible, actually. She said she was going to come up tomorrow.”

  
“Yeah, my mum's coming too. Going to have a full house for a while.”

  
“It'll be good,” Dan said with a halfhearted smile as he finished off his tea. He got up from the table and placed his cup in the sink before reaching out his hand to Phil. “C'mon, it's bedtime. We need to get some sleep.”

  
They walked hand in hand through the flat before stopping at the threshold of Liam's room. The sight of the empty cot broke their hearts all over again, so they turned away and entered their bedroom. They peeled off their clothes with clumsy fingers, then crawled into bed, tugging the duvet up as they went. They fell into sleep quickly, dropping off nearly as soon as their heads hit the pillows. They clung to each other all night, even in sleep, their bodies heavy with exhaustion and when morning came they felt a little more steady.  
  
**

  
They arrived at the hospital only to find an empty room. Before they could work up a panic, the nurse at the desk explained that he's been given a new room in the regular paediatric floor and that he'd gone for a ride, pointing down the hall. They turned to look and there was Liam sat in a little red wagon being pulled around by two nurses, one wheeling his IV stand along the side. He was pointing at the pictures on the walls and babbling, his smile bright as the nurses laughed at his antics. His little face was still pale and his eyes a bit sunken, but the sight of his smile brought answering ones to their faces.

  
Phil laughed when Liam noticed them standing there, his arms reaching out as he let out his trademark squeal. It's loud and echoed off the walls, making Dan laugh in return. He elbowed Dan in the side as he said, “He gets that from you, you know”, before making his way to his son, lifting him carefully from the wagon. Liam nestled happily in his arms, pressing a slobbery kiss to his cheek, and Phil had never been more grateful to be spit upon. He nuzzled his face into Liam's hair and breathed in the smell of his baby shampoo, thankful that he doesn't seem to remember Phil holding him down. He'd been terrified that Liam would refuse to be held by him but there he is, bundled into the crook of Phil's arm and babbling now at Dan who's babbling back.

  
“Give him over, greedy,” Dan said, making grabby hands at him. His hands look enormous on Liam's back as he pulls the baby close, covering his face with loud, noisy kisses. Surely they're making too much noise here in this hall, but nobody has the heart to chastise them. Eventually, they move into his new room where Dr. Degnan is there waiting for them.

  
“Good morning Dads, hello Liam!” he says, greeting Dan and Phil with a handshake. “Nice to see everyone in a good mood this morning. And it looks like my little friend is feeling much more himself! His latest lab work was much better too.”

  
He waited until they were seated and Liam was settled in Dan's lap before he continued. “Alright, so we all know that there's a lot of information to go over and quite a few procedures you're both going to have to become comfortable with. What I'd like to do is focus on a few things each day so that you don't become overwhelmed. Small sips always go down easier than big gulps, right? Okay, so let's get started.”  
  
**

  
They spent an hour with the diabetes educator learning all about the different types of diabetes and how each one is managed differently. They learned about insulin and the role it plays in the body, moving sugar into the cells for energy, and how without insulin a person can't survive. The knowledge that they would now be responsible for providing that insulin and keeping their son alive was such a heavy, terrifying realization that they need to take a break. They spent the next half hour playing with Liam, struggling to come to terms with the new direction that life has taken them. Both of their mothers came to visit the baby and the afternoon passed by in a melancholy haze as they leaned on each other for comfort.

  
The next two days were spent learning the basics of testing. Padding his nappies with cotton wool so that they can squeeze a bit of urine onto a ketone stick if his blood glucose gets too high was met with a look of disbelief from Dan. “It's slightly disgusting,” he said as he dribbled some of Liam's pee onto the stick, “surely there has to be a more hygienic way to do this.” There wasn't, so they learn to read the color chart on the back of the bottle and interpret what that means in regards to his health.

  
They fumble with the glucose testing machine; giant hands learning how to load the test strip in the machine and the barrel of lancets into the lancing device. They prick their own fingers and then each other, little droplets of blood welling out of the pinprick waiting to be dropped onto the test strip. They're given handouts to read about the normal range of blood glucose levels and what can affect them; food and drink, activity levels, bouts of sickness, and even the weather. It's confusing and scary and by mid-afternoon, Dan balks at any more education for the day.  
  
“I can't possibly remember all of this. Phil, how the fuck are we going to _do_ this? How are we supposed to do this?” he worried, hands running through his hair in nervous frustration.“There's already so much to know and do and remember and I just can't-.”  
  
Phil let him vent as he pulled Dan into a hug. He knows Dan, knows he needs to rant like this in order to keep the pressure from building into an explosion, so he doesn't interrupt. He just held him close and massaged the nape of his neck before moving to his shoulders, working at some of the knots that had formed there. Eventually, Dan heaved a sigh and quieted before taking a step back.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Phil smiled and shook his head. “I know better than to interrupt one of your rants. It only makes it worse” he teased. “Now come on, let's go feed our son his dinner.”

  
**

  
The fifth day of Liam's hospitalization was the day Phil had been dreading. He's been doing so well that the IV lines had been removed and he was now on insulin injections. The first time Phil watched him get his jab, he thought he was going to faint. But Liam took it all in stride and barely pulled a face, too busy with his cot full of new plushies he'd been spoiled with. It made that terrible ball of anxiety in his stomach loosen a bit as he realized that maybe it wasn't as agonizing as he had imagined it would be.  
  
He and Dan were checking his blood sugars themselves now. Dan had done the first one since Phil's hands had been shaking too much and he'd done it as if he'd been doing it for years. Liam wasn't fussed about that either and when Phil checked him before lunch, he did it with more confidence than he'd expected from himself. Phil was thankful that there were no tears and when he said as much to Dan, Dan had asked who he was expecting to cry.  
  
“Me? Liam? Both of us, I guess,” Phil had answered, still amazed that he'd been able to do it at all. Dan had laughed at him and lifted Liam into the highchair, both of them ready for lunch. They were just wiping his face clean and counting the number of carbohydrates he'd eaten when the afternoon nurse came in.  
  
Phil was relieved to see that it was Madge today. She was his personal favorite; slightly older with a mothering air, she had a way about her that made everything feel calm and relaxed. He raised his eyebrows when he saw a couple of bananas in one hand and a handful of syringes and vials in the other.  
  
“Hello, boys!” she sang out as she crossed the room. She dropped the bananas onto the hospital tray before walking over to give Liam's cheeks a gentle squeeze. “How's my favorite guy, hmm?”  
  
Dan fluttered his eyelashes and attempted to look scandalized. “Madge! Not in front of my husband!”  
  
She tossed back her head and let out a deep laugh that was nearly as loud as Dan's. She shook her head at him, salt and pepper curls bouncing as she said, “Not you, sweetie. You're awfully cute but I'm after tall, dark, and silent over there.”  
  
Phil felt his cheeks heating up as they both turned to look at him, grinning at his blush. “Hi, Madge,” he mumbled. He wasn't good at flirty banter, even when it was just playful teasing, so he went with what he was good at- deflection. “What's with the bananas?”  
  
“Well, we thought you guys might be getting sick of us and would like to go home soon. Would you like that sweetheart?” she said to Liam, looking over his chart and blood glucose log. Humming at the numbers, she pulled out the vial of insulin and set it on the table.  
  
“Now in order for Liam to be discharged, you have to know how to give injections. That's where the bananas come in.” she continued, wiping the spongy vial top with an alcohol swab before drawing up Liam's dose. “The peel has almost the same resistance as human flesh does so it's the best thing to practice on. Now each of you grab a banana and follow along with me.”  
  
They spent the afternoon injection bananas, drawing up syringe after syringe of sterile water in lieu of insulin. Madge stayed with them for about an hour giving them tips and suggestions, then took herself off for rounds. When she came into the room after dinner with insulin in hand, she simply looked between them and said, “Who's going to do his evening injection?”

Phil spoke up quickly, “Me. I'll do it.” He could feel Dan's eyes on the side of his face, but he didn't turn to look yet, not wanting to let the anxiety build.  
  
“Alright Phil, come on over and I'll have you talk your way through it,” Madge said gently. She knew that the first injection was always the hardest, parents often a shaking mess afterward, so she tried to keep her instructions brief and clear. “Tell me what you're going to do first.”  
  
His mind blanked for a minute from stress but then he felt Dan's hand on his back, rubbing slightly, and he could focus again. “First wipe the vial with alcohol, then Liam's skin. Let that dry and double check our calculations for the insulin amount. Uncap the syringe and draw air into it, the same amount as the insulin.” He moved as he spoke, hands steady and confident as he followed his own verbal directions.  
  
Madge was nodding, an encouraging smile on her face. “Go on, you're doing great!”  
  
He took a breath then continued. “Inject the air into the vial, then draw back the correct amount of insulin. Carefully recap the needle and make sure it's out of reach of the baby.” Moving, moving, constant movement so he wouldn't freeze. “Gently pinch up the area to be injected and then-” With a smooth, practiced motion he gave Liam his injection. Liam's face scrunched for a moment before smoothing out again as he picked up the dummy he'd dropped.  
  
Phil carefully recapped the empty syringe, placing it in the sharps container, before covering his sweaty face with his hands. He felt Dan come up behind him to rest his head on his shoulder as he whispered in his ear “Babe, you did it. You did such a good job. I'm so proud of you.”  
  
“That was great Phil, well done! I couldn't have done it any better” Madge said, gathering up her supplies. She wanted to give them a bit of privacy, some time to just breathe and relax before it was Dan's turn. “Dan, you're going to do the long-lasting insulin tonight alright? I'll be back to check on Liam in a bit.”  
  
As soon as she left the room Dan was dragging Phil into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to his temple. Phil still felt a little trembly so he held on and let himself be soothed. He tipped his head back to look into Dan's face as he asked, “Dan, did I hurt him? Was he sad?”  
  
“No, you didn't hurt him, Phil. When has our child ever been quiet about something like that? He was only annoyed because he dropped his damn dummy.”  
  
“Are you worried about your turn?”  
  
Dan shuffled a bit before nodding, his face a little sheepish. “Yes, a bit. But I'll be glad to get the first one done. I want to go home” he said as he buried his face in Phil's hair.  
  
“Me too, babe. Me too”  
  
**

  
Two days later they were home. Dan had given Liam his first injection the same way Phil had done, talking himself through it as he went. They'd given him all of his injections the following day, doing all the calculating and carbohydrate counting and urine checks themselves. They'd passed all their tests easily, and Liam was discharged from the hospital one week after his admission.  
  
They'd said goodbye to Madge and the rest of the nurses and made a follow-up appointment to see Dr. Degnan. They had a backpack stuffed with diabetes supplies-insulin, syringes, juice in case his sugar levels ran low, emergency kit in the event he couldn't swallow. They were ready.  
  
Their first night home passed slowly. Both of them were too afraid to sleep, terrified that something might happen in the middle of the night. So they sat up all night like they used to, browsing their favorite websites while keeping an ear out for trouble. Trouble never came and they eventually relaxed, falling into the routine of 2:00 a.m. blood sugar checks before crawling back into bed.  
  
They made mistakes and learned from them, growing more confident and practiced as time went on. They got strange looks sometimes and innocent questions from children who wanted to know why they were 'poking holes in the baby'. Dan had howled with laughter at that before explaining that they weren't poking holes in Liam, they were giving him medicine. They'd laughed about that for days, marveling at the thought processes of tiny children.

  
They leaned on each other when things got tough and learned to swallow their pride and ask for help when they needed it. They laughed and they fought, they loved fiercely and protectively, and they still made each other a priority. And when people asked them how they managed, how they coped; they just looked at each other and shrugged, wordless conversations passing between them as they smiled.  
  
Life might have changed in the Howell/Lester home and things would never be the same, but they found that this life they were remaking was just as sweet.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I may not always reply to comments but I do read and appreciate every single one!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr, stop by and say hello!  
> capriciouscrab.tumblr.com


End file.
